Michele wrote this on April 29, 2016: “Metastatic cancer can be very isolating. When I am in the company of others, my mind wanders and I can’t focus. I feel the need to retreat. For the time being, I just can’t relate to others’ lives which years ago were so similar to my own. Now we are a world apart. It’s not their fault. I know that people cannot truly understand. But sometimes I feel like I’m on another planet looking in on this one. It’s difficult to listen to people complain about trivial things, normal things, things I was complaining about three years ago. Now those complaints just annoy me, or make me angry.
People are so wound up, but it’s such a waste of time and energy. I want to scream, “I want your problems!” And I do. I want that life back. I want to turn back the clock. I just don’t want my life to be this right now. I hope that by reading this, someone out there will take a second to think, “I’m glad that’s not me. Maybe I should worry less about the things that don’t really matter.” I want my old normal back but I also am a better, stronger person from this experience. I welcome any challenge. I am Invincible. People always ask me what it’s like living with cancer… Living with cancer is not easy. It’s lonely and it forces you to find courage within yourself that you never knew you had. It is an absolute emotional roller coaster that is never-ending. It makes you feel guilty to be a burden on your family and friends. It feels like your body is betraying you. It causes stress, anxiety, and/or depression for you and the ones close to you. It makes you realize how fragile life is. It makes you more empathetic to others’ hardships. It makes you forget completely what it was like to feel WELL. It’s like living with a huge question mark of uncertainty in every aspect of your life. The weirdest thing is, having cancer makes it easier to accept any other life threatening disease. I am just not scared anymore.
I have seen some of my relationships suffering. There is a fine line between giving space and putting distance. Some have dropped away. Others have risen to the occasion and helped more than I could have dreamed. But only true friendships are going to make it under these circumstances and I’ve seen this first hand with my friends in the past three years.
When I feel awful from chemo I want the time to go faster. I just want to get through it. The problem is that what I may not have is time. It’s a conundrum. I want the time to pass, but this is the only time that I may have. I know that no one knows how much time they have, but the knowledge that there is something identifiable in your body that is a threat and is most likely to be that which kills you, bears a different weight. Of course no one knows exactly how much time it will be. There is no crystal ball. #TeamM #Fu*kCancer #LiveForever”
